the dance recital costume is here!

abbie has been in a dance class this year, and today she brought home her costume. i (sarah) spent most of my childhood and highschool in dance and for me, getting the costume is an exciting thing! i had her try it on right away, and in true abbie form, she was annoyed with the itchy sequins. of course.

her recital is in june, at the leid center in lawrence and the theme is ' the beatles'. her dance is 'the yellow submarine', so they are all sailors. she looks so cute in it, and is ready to do her funky chicken moves and strike a pose. enjoy a few images of her looking ready to perform!

a day in the life of a stay-at-home dad

Cancer has altered our lives in many ways. One of those ways is as a stay-at-home dad. As a young man, I never pictured my self in this role. Fortunately, I have a wife who has a job using her talents as a photographer. Often times she has a morning and afternoon photo shoot and if she is really ambitious she will meet with a friend after that.
Her absence leaves me plenty of time with Abbie and Asher. Saturday was one of those days. It began with our weekly ritual of "Daddy and Daughter Donut Day." I do this every week so Abbie has something special to look forward to with her dad (and its a nice excuse to eat a donut). After feeding the kids lunch, Abbie helped me measure all the ingredients to make bread-Do not be too impressed, the bread machine did most of the work.
Sarah returned home and we played outside on our swing set. I convinced Abbie that a paper machete Easter egg would be a fun project- it was an easy sell. It was very messy and fun. We will paint it after it dries. Abbie and I also spent time searching for The Littlest Pet Shop animals on eBay. We have been searching for the peacock, ostrich, and puffin...however, we lost all of the auctions. Sarah usually makes dinner but I made sandwiches out of the sourdough bread we made earlier. Donuts, lunch, naps, bread, playing outside, paper machete, searching for toys on eBay and even dinner...I think I have found my new profession.

any where but here

As we know, the biopsy discovered cancer in the area of my right hyoid bone. The cancer is near the original site and and is located under my chin and tougue. This new revelation explains the pain and problems I have been having recently with speaking and eating. As we discussed the location of this new growth, along with seeing it on the CT scan, I was filled with the horrified feeling you get upon receiving bad news. For me, this was the worst possible news I could receive and the only area I did not want the cancer to return. A small bump on my head-no big deal; Caner in my lungs-no problem; The pain from cancer in my hip and sacrum-not fun but I can live with it; This new cancer in my hyoid/mouth/jaw is much larger than I thought (size of a quarter) and therefore has the potential for further damage to speaking and eating.

The doctor (ENT) , who specializes in head and neck cancer, shared different treatment options with us: Do nothing, radiation, or surgery. The doctor said a surgery would be 50 times more difficult than his original surgery...so, No to the way- surgery is not a viable option. And of course doing nothing will allow the cancer to grow. Radiation is the only logical option and in the doctors words, radiaiton will "stun it" and stop the cancer from growing for a while. So eventually it may reappear it this area just like it continues to do in my hip/sacrum area. Therefore radiation will buy me a few years without serious issues. I will start radiaiton treatment as soon as the doctors can develop a treatment plan.

"its positive"

"Its positve." The word "its positive" are wonderful words. We heard these words in response to our first pregnacy test. I have used them to describe my performance evaluation from my former employer. I always strive to leave a positve impression on the new neighbor or a potential client. As a father my goal is to be a positive example on my children. My day is always better if a have a positive outlook on life. Its wonderful to live a life of positive things. The only time I hate being positive is after a biopsy. Yet the words we received speaking with the nurse today were, "the result is positive." I have at least one confirmed cancerous area near my hyoid bone on my right side; and I am still suspicious of an area under my left jaw bone. These areas are in very delicate locations and wisdom will be needed when attempting to do what is best. The last time I had cancer in this general area it had tremdendous consequences.
I would appreciate your prayers for wisdom. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

crawling to say hi

asher is 10 months old and crawling all over the place. today he added a wave to his list of 'skills'. here is a quick video of him showing off his talents. sorry about the sunlight that makes him look like he is glowing... he wouldn't crawl in my path of good light. enjoy!

$447.89, $74.27, $17, $48.04, $75.70, $11.63, $259.19, $566.28

No one likes being sick. On top of feeling terrible you hand over your hard earned cash with the hope that the doctor's services will make you well. I began working for Bank of America in 2000 while I was a student in seminary. Banking was not my primary passion in life, but one reason for continuing my career with BofA after finishing seminary was due to the practical nature of having a good health insurance. For 8 years I spent about $5000 annually for insurance for my entire family. After small copays, the insurance covered our nearly all of our medical bills-an by "our medical bills." I mean primarily my medical bills mine.

Recently, my insurance benefits changed. Along with normal copays, they began requring me to pay for 20% of the medical bills. That doesn't sound too bad on paper but in the real world that 20% adds up fast. In the month of January alone, I have already spent $1476.96 in medical bills. And in comparison, the amount above is a close to the amount I had to pay all last year.

I do not share this so that you can feel sorry for us. I share this so that you might have an accurate understanding of our journey. Cancer is costly in so many ways-finacially is only one of them! Cancer has a profound influence on every area of my/our lives: emotionally, spiritually, physcially, socially, and monitarily.

OOOOOOOOkalahoma...

[remember in dirty rotten scoundrels, when steve martin ran around as 'rupret' with an eye patch on, yelling 'oklahoma, oklahoma, oklahoma- banging on a pot?! i LOVE that movie...]

hi friends! we are in oklahoma at the cancer treatment center in tulsa. it is going well so far. we've met with several doctors and met many people in similiar situations. they haven't offered anything new, as far as treatment, but we have a few new meds to try for helping the bone pain. the hospital is full of smiling faces and compassionate people. it truly is a different feeling than all other places we've been. we have more appointments tomorrow and thursday and will keep you posted on what we're told.

asher and i have been going with james to most appointments, and he's done fairly well being in the stroller (asher, not james). i know we are here to get some new ideas for james, but i think our purpose may be greater than that. and it has to do with our smiling son. he is a joy magnet and an instant smile maker. for so many people who are struggling through treatment, his little smile is making days better. i can't keep track of how many people are saying 'he is so cute' 'look at that huge smile' 'that just made my day'... he is making a difference everywhere we go. it is a reminder to us how much our children do bring joy, and we are blessed to be able to bring a bit of Christ's joy to this place.

i have a good post to do about our fun trip to colorado, but for now will just share a few fun photos.

home alone

I was left home alone. Similar to a movie of the same name, my entire family left me home alone and traveled by air to a distant city. Sarah, Abigail and Asher traveled to Denver to visit Sarah’s sister for six days. All alone and seized by fear, my survival instincts kicked-in as I relied on the distant memories from days as a bachelor. I will be very transparent and admit to something I do not do very often-I ate fast food and even indulged in a little Dairy Queen. Shhh. In these desperate economic times I made sure to order from the dollar menu and I even ordered a kid's meals from Soni with a coupon for $1.99. I was rather thrifty! Some moments were even reminiscent of my college days as I found myself eating a free meal with Friends and Parents-in-law (Thanks to the Alvarezes, Rotts, Franzes and my dad). Okay, enough talk about food.

As in introvert, I enjoyed time to myself; something I never find much of being a stay at home husband and father. The silence was strange but gave me time to think about life. An additional benefit of being home alone was a constantly clean house. A tidy house can also be a rarity with children these days. I enjoyed it so much I cleaned the entire house and I mean cleaned the house: cleaned bathrooms, dusted, vacuumed, did the laundry and even put it away.

I had more free time than normal and I kept myself busy by watching the entire fourth season of LOST on DVD. And I enjoyed every minute of it! Before some of you freak out and in defense of my bachelor behavior, I love LOST and it was a shortened 14 episodes rather than 24! I even watched every episode in surround sound with the walls vibrating (I was taking full advantage of an empty house).

Six days had passed, my family was traveling home and I had survived! I showered, shaved my beard and tearfully said good-bye to my new imaginary friend, Wilson. Although I enjoyed my time alone I was happy to welcome my family home. The love of my wife and the sounds of children are a priceless treasure. As I waited “behind the yellow line” in front of gate 39 at KCI, all that I value most in life was about to walk through the door (I accidentally crossed a line with my big toe while waiting and was quickly reprimanded by the airport security).

The first one to walk through the door? Abigail. When she finally noticed me standing at the door, she ran the rest of the way, discarded her heavy back pack and embraced me and kissed me over and over while saying “Oh daddy, daddy, daddy; Oh daddy, daddy, daddy, I missed you.” As my heart melted, I affirmed her words of affection. Man-oh-man, it doesn’t get better than that! What felt like forever later, a very weary Sarah exited the door, pushing a stroller and carrying a load of other things. Wow, what a lady! Following her was a flight attendant carrying a sleepy Asher. Abbie and I went to get the SUV to pick up Sarah and Asher. I wanted Abbie to know how happy I was to see her so I brought her a treat. As we were exiting the parking lot I opened and handed Abbie a delicious chocolate milk (from my kid’s meal earlier this week) and she instantly spilt all of it on the seat. My family is indeed home, spilt mik and all!

A footnote: As a thoughtful wife, Sarah made me 2 meals to heat up for dinner and as a forgetful husband, I forgot all about it. Opps.

dancing abbie

I LOVE watching Abigail when she is passionately and completely engaged in her activities. I delight in moments when she is in her own world singing songs. Sometimes, As my gaze is fix upon her, I will catch her eye and she will respond with a smile. Other moments I witness Abbie using her fertile imagination as she plays with toys. I am always amazed at her focus and concentration when she creates art. She is the most gifted artist her age. Also, as a father, I love seeing Abbie dribble the soccer ball around the yard and if I am able physically, I enjoy joining her. And in my completely biased opinion, she it really skilled soccer player.

Today I enjoyed observing her in dance class. She attends dance class every Tuesday and today parents were invited to watch. There are probably 20 other little girls in the room, but only one catches my eye and has my absolute attention. All of the other little dancers might be more gifted but only one captures my heart. Somehow as I watch everyone else just fades away.

I hope you enjoy these video clips as much as I do...

james' health

This is my second week of physical therapy and I have some noticeable improvements. I was unable to lift my leg from all positions and I have regained some strength-I am pretty happy about this! My leg remains really weak but small improvements have made a huge difference. My range of motion in my hip joint remains limited and stiff. We are unsure of what is going on inside my joint but I do know it doesn’t move normally, which has made walking and moving around really awkward. I am waiting for an X-ray to help guide us in my rehabilitation. If the doctor who specializes in bones and cancer concludes that I have no major issues, the therapist and I will really work on moving this hip. I am fantasizing of a day when I can walk and maybe even run around and play with children again.
I have noticed another small lump that hurts on my throat. Painful bumps, lumps, spots or anything unusual always concern me. I have scheduled a CT scan so I can receive a more accurate diagnosis. On the one hand I always hope that it’s no big deal, but on the other hand, my history tells me, “You have a problem, sir.” The tumors in my lungs have been consistently larger this year and I still have a cancerous area on my head. It is clear that this disease is progressing and there is no definitive treatment. I am considering visiting MD Anderson again in Houston, TX. They are on the cutting edge of cancer research and perform several clinical trials. A clinical trial may be an option for me in the future however I would have to live in Houston while I was using the drug.
For the most part I am feeling well and more mobile so long as I sleep enough!!